Okay, let me just get this out of the way so y’all don’t come for me. ‘Skinny’ is a totally subjective term with no real measurable definition. What’s considered skinny to one person may not be so to another. I get it. Some of you who know me personally have actually referred to me as skinny. Tuh! Mmmkay, girl. But hey, we’re all entitled to our opinions. In quantifiable terms, skinny FOR ME is less than 133lbs. How’s that for specificity?
As far as I’m concerned, I’ve only been thin once in my life since the age 6, (for about 6-8 months). And it happened as a result of my being inconsolably depressed. To the point where my mom, (I was just out of college and living at home for a year,) hid all the medications in the house and insisted I see a counselor. Yeah, it was pretty horrible. Heartbreak can be an ice-cold mutherf*cker. Yes, it was over a guy and yes, I’m ashamed.
BUT he was a selfish, lying, hoeing-ass guy, who happened to be my first love. You hear that, Jeff, ya rat bastard?! I’m talking about you. (I’m just kidding; we’re cool now. Ancient history.) The point is, I had little to no appetite for weeks, months maybe. I remember this actual conversation with my mom. (It happened on a Thursday evening.)
Me: I think I’m hungry. Mom: When’s the last time you ate? Me: Tuesday.
I know, fam. I know.
Fast-forward a few weeks, my clothes didn’t fit anymore and even my grandmother, who had always been concerned about my weight, whispered in my ear, I don’t think you need to lose anymore weight, baby. Soon after I auditioned for a local fashion show, booked it and decided to crash diet for 7 days leading up to the show. That’s when I hit the lowest weight of my pre-teen/teenage and adult life. At 5’6″ I weighed 128lbs. Now, that my seem pretty normal for some people. But for someone who weighed in at almost 150lbs in middle school, it was UNREAL. I was thrilled!
About a week after the fashion show, I went back to UVA for graduation weekend. I will never forget seeing my bestie in the parking lot of the apartment complex, getting out and running to her for a hug. She stopped mid-run and gasped, “Oh my God, you’re so skinny.” She looked horrified. All weekend people were asking me if I was okay or whispering to my friends that I might be on drugs. Clearly, not a good look. And to think, I had been fighting my whole life to be skinny. The irony.
It wasn’t my weight that was the problem. It was that I was unhealthy and it showed. All that said, it’s not other people’s opinions that have brought me to the conclusion that I’ll never be skinny. It’s the fact that I refuse to eat like this for the rest of my life.
These are an actual meal photos from an IG fitness page that I USED to follow. This shit was the last straw. THIS is a meal?! Bih, where? How are you not still hungry? After I’ve been in the gym sprinting and lifting for 90 mins? If you don’t get the hell on with ‘dem struggle plates.
I just can’t do it. God bless those of you who can–those of you who measure out your portions every day and carry a duffel bag full of supplements at all times, but it’s gon’ be a hard nah for me, dawg. I have friends that do it: eat sad ass food every day, like boiled chicken and broccoli for breakfast. They are on cleanses every 3-6 months and have cut everything delicious and enjoyable from their diet altogether. Even fruit! Man, what?!
While I respect the discipline, I am not willing to live like that. I’ve been on every kind of damn diet you can imagine. (I was put on my first diet at the age of 7, remember?) At this point in my life, I’m done giving things up. Over it. I work out hard, limit the foods that I know add bulk to my body or are just grossly unhealthy, but that’s it. And for now, that’s enough for me.
I’m not eating gerbil food or drinking anymore spicy lemonade. No more injections, (I tried HCG a few years back,) or laxatives. And I’ll be damned if I starve myself. If that means, the body I have is the body I keep, so be it. Me and this cellulite are just gonna have to be friends. Obviously skinny isn’t in the cards for me. And to be honest, that’s okay. I’m more concerned with being strong and toned at this point anyway. (Damn Residual Jiggle Factor (R.J.F.) is still too high, but I’m working on it.) It has taken years and numerous “failures” for me to reach this point of acceptance. Call it age, call it wisdom. Call it no more f*cks to give. All I know is, it feels good to give up that ghost. Bye, girl.
I encourage anyone who might be holding on to unrealistic and/or unhealthy expectations to just LET IT GO! Eat healthy whole foods, treat yourself from time to time–some science suggests that a cheat meal aids in keeping the rate of metabolism higher–exercise regularly, push yourself and enjoy your life. Besides skinny is so 2002. Thick fit is where it’s at! Shout out to all my thick-thighed sistren. I see you killing the leg press, boo! Yaaas!
Former Fat Girl…Gone.