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Summer Bodies, Revenge Bodies and Snap Back, oh my! (Ugh, I need a nap.)

So here we are, gang, sitting precariously atop the frightening precipice of summer. Why would such a glorious season ever be considered frightening? I have two words for you…crop tops. We are embarking on the time of year when the clothes we’ve strategically chosen to shape, cover, hide and flatter our bodies are no longer in season. Say bye bye to tailored blazers, off-the-shoulder slouchy sweaters and cozy, tapered-leg sweats and hello to booty shorts, mini-dresses and dare I say it…bathing suits. F-my-entire-L!

God No

But you know what’s even scarier? It’s that summer is no longer the only time that we’re encouraged, nay, expected to get in amazing shape. Summer bodies are just the tip of a terrifying, self-esteem-sinking iceberg. Nowadays we’ve also got to contend with “revenge” bodies and the inconceivable postpartum “snap back” body.

Faint

Let’s say you just broke up with someone–someone you loved deeply. You’re confused; you’re hurt; you’re sad and just want to heal so you can move on with your life and feel better. Well, too bad, cause you have exactly 48hrs to pull that shit together and get your ass on a fitness plan! You better cry on the treadmill, boo!

Yes, guys, this is now a thing. (NOT MY THING–A THING!) After a break-up, in the midst of dealing with whatever form of grief we’re experiencing,  we are also expected to diet and work out like lunatics so that we can flaunt our spectacular physiques and show our exes what they’re missing, that we’re better off without them and make them regret the day they let us go.

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“I’m just stuntin’ on my ex…”

I can’t front, part of me is kind of into this idea because: 1) A healthy diet and a consistent fitness plan is incredibly beneficial no matter what the catalyst and 2) F**k yo’ lame ass for breaking up with me in the first place! Oh, you mad? Ha!  Eat your heart out, sucka!

ClutchTheChest_Blackish

Too much? …I regret nothing.

On the other hand though, give me a freaking break with this revenge body mess. It’s such a slippery slope. First of all, we as a society, women in particular, do not need yet another unhealthy, unrealistic body standard placed on us for any reason. Plastic surgery and photoshop are quite enough, thank you. And look, I am not some airy-fairy, idealistic weirdo. I know that our romantic relationships are, in part, based on physical attraction. But we and our relationships are about way more than that. At least I hope so. (If not, tuh, good luck!) That being said, the notion that getting in better physical shape will change our ex’s perception of us in some profound or significant way kind of reduces our value to just physical beauty. In short, it’s shallow AF. If I’m giving up bread and working out 5 times a week, it’s sure as hell not because I’m trying to make someone jealous or manipulate them into wanting me again. Would you want someone that superficial anyway? No. My health and fitness goals are about wanting to  be healthy and feel confident in my body. Now,  if the hard work happens to bring the f-bois back to the yard…oh well. Their problem, not ours! Moving on.

Next

Now…venture with me if you will to a land of pure absurdity.  A land where, after gestating for close to 10 months, after having hormones ravaged, bodies stretched, muscles separated, hip bones literally shifted, and BIRTHING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, women are expected to look like this…

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Not only that, they are expected to look that way…immediately. Welcome to the land of “snap back” bodies, capital of  You-Gotta-Be-F*cking-Kidding-Me!

Let me just say clearly and concisely…THIS IS A STEAMING LOAD OF BULLSHIT!  (Shout out to Teyana Taylor because she is, in fact, a mother and has an incredible body.  But that shit ain’t the norm, mmmkay?) I’m sorry, you guys, but this does not call for eloquence or logical, even-tempered rebuttal. This is illogical; this is ridiculous. This is Shea-Moisture-Pepsi-protest-ad-United-airlines grade foolishness. Time and time again, I’ve been affronted by social media posts showing women who are  2,3,7,14 days postpartum,  posing to show off their flat stomachs with some inane caption that includes the phrase ‘snap back’. You mean I’m not even entitled to a year, hell 6 months, of not being in photo shoot shape after having a child? A real-life cooing, pooping, crying, needs-to-eat-every-few-hours-so-I-can’t-get-a-full-night’s-sleep child? I’m now supposed to worry about how quickly my uterus shrinks after housing a fetus for the better part of a calendar year or feel inadequate? G.T.-ENTIRE-F.O.H!

In all seriousness, fam, we gotta stop this. Now, I’m not saying just let it all go hell and be completely lazy for the rest of our lives. Of course not. But at the very least, can we let the new mommies heal? Can we let the heartbroken men and women grieve for a minute before we insist that they slay?! Yes, healthy eating and fitness is a lifestyle. It should be consistent and on-going. But damn! Let’s ease up with all the #bodygoals. It’s tew much! The goal, first and foremost, should be to take care of ourselves, to be good to ourselves and make the most of these shells we get to inhabit during our time on the planet. Have fun, be sexy, (whatever that means for you,) be happy and live well. Cause real talk, that’s the best revenge and ultimate goal all rolled into one. Take that, take that, take that….

Diddy_TakeDat

 

Former Fat Girl…gone!

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