I would be remiss if I didn’t begin this post with an apology. I’ve been away for far too long, and for that I am truly sorry. But the FORMER FAT GIRL IS BACK and still as neurotic as ever–lucky for us. 😉
Now…let’s get into this dreadful trick that God chose to play on me. Last week, I was minding my own former fat girl business–working, making relatively good eating choices, (until Friday which is another story), and exercising, when I get an email from my commercial agent for an audition. First instinct as always is…AWESOME!! Then I read the breakdown, (the description of what they’re looking for in case you’re unfamiliar with the term), and upon further investigation I learned that they were looking for swimsuit bodies.
My thoughts exactly, random-internet-baby. To be fair, I do fudge the stats just a little on my resume, but not by much. We’re talking 5-8 pounds here. And even with those skewed numbers, no one would mistake a 5’6″, 136-lb frame for the archetypal Hollywood Swimsuit Body. (That’s more like 5’8, 120-lbs, and I’m being generous in the weight department. Let’s not forget the casting director who saw 130 pounds on my old resume and expected me to be a “big girl.” That’s the mindset we’re dealing with here, folks.) But there it was in black and white–swimsuit body. Ok, I thought. No big deal. The audition wardrobe calls for comfortable-casual attire, so nothing to worry about there. I’ll just go in, they’ll see what I look like in regular clothes and know pretty quickly that I’m not what they want. No harm, no foul.
The next morning, however, as I was getting dressed for my audition, something told me to double check the notice. For some reason, I felt anxious about it and wanted to make sure I had all the correct information. Lo and behold, there was an update. The update read as follows: ALL WOMEN MUST BE IN SWIMSUITS FOR THE AUDITION. SORRY FOR THE MIX-UP.
……..Even now, just typing that makes me feel like I’m on the verge of a gastro-inestinal mishap. Words cannot adequately express the waves of terror that wracked my body. It was literally my nightmare come true. People ask me why I’m so insecure about my body and preoccupied with being thinner–THIS IS WHY!! This is the exact reason. You never know when you’ll get the call to audition in a swimsuit or book a role that calls for you to appear in state of undress, not to mention a love scene for crying out loud. Sweet Mother of God, that’s terrifying!
Here it was–two hours before I was supposed to be at the audition, (the audition that I had already confirmed with my agent), and they were telling me, nay, DEMANDING that I show up in a bathing suit so they could have photographic evidence of my cellulite quotient. And I couldn’t call my agent and back out because it was SATURDAY! The agency was closed. The Universe had conspired against me. WHY??!! There really was no choice. To risk my professional reputation and relationship with my agent by not showing up was certainly not worth it. So, I dug through the depths of my closet to find my one-piece bathing suit, circa 1999, (no, seriously, it’s that old), used a few make-up tricks to make my legs look more like Rihanna’s and less like…well…mine and took my ample @ss to that audition. (For the record, my legs have never and will never look anything like Rihanna’s. I am in no way delusional.)
When I arrived–just as I thought–a room full of 5’9, 115-lb waifs. In Hollywood, that is a swimsuit physique. But there was no turning back. To be quite honest, it wasn’t horrible. The photographer was a total professional. He only dry-heaved once after I disrobed, and he actually took the time to take pictures instead of ushering me out immediately. So, all-in-all, I’d say I came out a winner. I didn’t book the commercial, (duh!), but I conquered one of my biggest fears. Jiggles, dimples and all–I went into that room, posed, smiled, and walked out with my head-held-high. Did I enjoy it? HELL NO! But that’s not the first audition to cause me anxiety, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. It was a good reminder, though, of the age-old adage, “If you stay ready, you ain’t got to get ready.”
Unfortunately, I’ve never been ready–not as far as my body is concerned, but the experience spurred me to keep at it. Don’t get complacent. Don’t just accept that extra 5-8 pounds as ‘age weight’. No! Get your behind up, (I’m addressing myself here), and go work out. Skip the breads, pastas, and cereals–(Not the booze, though. Never give up the booze.)–and make the effort to keep getting better. Get ready and stay ready! And the next time they ask for a swimsuit body, I’m gonna sashay my hot @ss in the room and give them a glorious eye-full. (So long as it’s not within the next 3 months or so. I’ve got some work to do! :))
So, buckle up, folks, The FORMER FAT GIRL is at it again, and I’m gonna be sharing all my triumphs, set-backs and misadventures with you! Hilarity ensues. *insert awesome theme song here*