I know some of you think I have issues–that I need to get over my silly neuroses and be proud of the body I have. Well guess what…I couldn’t agree more. I want to be confident and comfortable with the way I look and let go of all my silly hang-ups. And I do have those moments–you know the ones when you’re at home alone, getting dressed to go out and all of a sudden your favorite sexy girl song comes on–one of mine is “Promise” by Ciara–then you throw on your high-heels with your undies and become a Magic City all-star in the mirror. (Guys, do you do risque, half-naked dances in the mirror, too? I honestly kind of hope not. But no judgment if you do. We all deserve to feel sexy sometimes.) In those moments, I am totally at peace with my body, loving every curve and dimple and jiggle. Sadly, though, that feeling doesn’t last very long. Eventually something will yank me back to reality–like the UFC authorized fight I have to have with my skinny jeans, or the muffin top in my fitted shirt or something as seemingly benign and inoffensive as an audition alert. Case in point:
I received a casting notice today for a commercial. It’s for a rice-based cereal whose manufacturer claims that if you replace two meals a day with two bowls of their cereal, you will lose weight. The audition notice states, “if your talent is UNDER a size 6, please cancel the audition.” Wanna know why? Because the cereal is essentially being touted as a weight-loss product, so they need “bigger girls” to promote it, specifically sizes 6 to 8. In short, me. A bigger girl. *sigh* Thanks, Kellogg’s. Thanks. This is why I write this blog. I’m not nuts over here. It’s not all in my head. In my world, I am the big girl. On most occasions, I am the largest girl in the audition waiting room. I’m the chubby sidekick, the “attractive, but not hot” relatable girl. And I get it. It’s the industry. And yes, it’s an unrealistic standard and not necessarily healthy, but I’m neither saddened nor angered by it because I’ve known it was this way for quite some time. I’m choosing to write about it so that people realize I’m not just some self-obssessed weirdo with body dismorphic disorder. I was once told by a casting director that because I listed my weight as 130lbs on my resume and am 5’6″, she expected me to be “really big”. I didn’t know what to say, so I just did that weird, fake laugh you do when somebody says something inappropriate but you’re not really in a position to tell them to kiss your really big @ss. And you wanna know the kicker? I had lied on my resume. I weighed 10-12 lbs more than that at the time. Really big? In what screwed up world is 130lbs really big? Answer: This one. Los Angeles, California.
And while I applaud people like Queen Latifah and Molly McCarthy who are have broken barriers and succeeded outside the box, I don’t want to be overweight either. This may come as a shocker and may even disappoint some people, but I am not a proponent of the “fat and happy” ideology. As a matter of fact, I think it’s a steaming pile of yak stink. As a person who was fat for over a decade, I can confidently say, there is no such thing as fat and happy. No one likes feeling winded after a couple flights of stairs or having to shop in the ‘plus size’ section of a store. No one likes feeling self-conscious all the time or feeling like they’re being judged every time they eat something. It feels awful. So I don’t care how loudly Mo’Nique screams it, I know that ‘fat and happy’ stuff is bologna….fried bologna, with melted cheese and two slices of buttered bread…and some chips…..and a soda….with a Kit Kat after. Jussayin’. My point is, I don’t want to be an emaciated, starved, inevitably irritable size 2 just because Hollywood says I should be. And I don’t want to be the ‘happy-to-be-fat’ big girl waving the ‘big is beautiful’ banner either. I just want to be the healthiest, most fit me I can be. That’s the only box I want to fit into–that and a pair of daisy dukes. Just once. Just to see how it feels. 🙂
So for now, I’ll be the bigger, relatable girl, go on my auditions, book them and get paid. But soon and very soon, I’ll be the “smoking hot, kick-@ss girl” doing double, turning crescent kicks and taking my katana sword to a bad guy’s @ss.
…Coming to a theater near you! 😉
Tip of the week: Try to associate with people who have already achieved the fitness level you’re striving toward. A common school of thought is that the 5 people you associate with most are often reflective of the kind of person you are and have a great deal of influence on your behavior. Are your five closest friends fit and healthy? I’d never suggest kicking a friend to the curb because they’re out of shape, but maybe take stock and see how the people closest to you are influencing your nutrition and fitness habits. If anything, perhaps you can be a better influence on them and you can all start making healthy choices together. 🙂