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The Cleanse…

When last we spoke, I told you that I was embarking on a new path–that I would, in the next week, be starting a cleanse to aid me in my quest to unleash the lean, sexy brown bombshell that’s been slumbering beneath a stubborn layer of margaritas and chicken fingers. But in true FormerFatGirl fashion, I wanted to prepare for the cleanse by inhaling as much contraband as possible over the holiday weekend since I knew I would not be having it again for about 30 days. So from Friday thru Monday, I enjoyed a few cocktails, ate out, and even had some peach cobbler and ice-cream. And then on Tuesday, it began. Today is Friday, day 4. My overall sentiment–I don’t hate it. I don’t love it, not by a long shot, but as averse I typically am to all types of diets, I’m tolerating it well.

Technically, I shouldn’t share too many details about the program. That’s what the nutritionist told me. She recommends letting people who might be interested come to her directly, so that she can provide the proper medical research to backup the claims and ensure that people truly understand the purpose of all the supplements and the eating regimen. But what the hell? I’ll divulge a few tidbits for my awesome readers. 🙂 First and foremost, this is not a fast. YOU CAN EAT. Personally, I don’t understand fasts, (outside of a spiritual context). When I tried to do the master cleanse, I lasted 2.5 days. The goal…was 14. All I thought about all day long was food. I’d be at work fantasizing about foods I don’t even like. “Mmm, a liverwurst and onion sandwich would really hit the spot right now.” I know–revolting. I don’t even know what liverwurst is, but at the time, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to eat. I was chewing sugar-less gum like some sort of addict fresh out of rehab. I was mad all the time. I couldn’t workout because I had no energy. And don’t even get me started on the quart of warm salt water you’re supposed to drink. “Holy upset stomach, Batman,  have we gotta go!” Let’s just say, had anyone seen me running through the office that day, they would have surely thought that I’d finally lost it and pulled the pin on that grenade I’d been hiding in my desk. That’s the kind of urgency that salt-water concoction created. Not cool, man. Not cool. And on top of all that, I felt like a huge failure because so many of my friends had succeeded at it and I was having such a hard time.

In short, fasts aren’t for me. But when my friend Kiki told me about this cleanse, (The Candida Cleanse), and that you eat as much as you want, (so long as it’s not on the restricted list), I listened a bit more attentively. Well, that and the fact that she lost 14lbs in 14 days. (*ding, ding, ding, ding*)  But let me be clear, this cleanse is no walk in the park. It takes discipline and a lot of planning. It’s based on an organic diet that requires cooking/packing your own food and managing a number of supplements, some of which are more disgusting than that liverwurst sandwich. (Seriously, is that even meat?)  The discipline and commitment is the reason it took me so long to finally jump on board. I would see my friends, (two others having joined Kiki on the cleanse,) and they would literally have to carry a separate lunch bag for the supplements alone. “Take these before eating, take those when you’re done. Put your left foot in; take your left foot out. Put that nasty sh*t in your water and shake it all about.” (And it’s nasty, too. I’m talking Aristocrat vodka nasty.) But I couldn’t deny the results. Caryn, losing 11lbs in 9 days. Audrey’s clothes no longer fitting because they were too big. So, I jumped in and here I am. Four days down, 26 to go. Have I cheated? Come on, of course I have. I’m a fat kid at heart after all. I had two crackers yesterday and two ginger snaps the day before. But for me, I think that’s awesome. The fact that I haven’t said, ‘to hell with this’ and taken my ass to Coldstone in this 90-degree weather makes me a winner as far as I’m concerned. AND the fact that I’ve not had coffee in 5 days; (I’m an admitted caffeine addict); makes me feel like I can conquer any craving. It also makes me feel like kicking somebody in the face, but I digress.

Alright, so I know you’re all wondering if it’s working, if I’ve lost any weight. Well, thing is….I don’t rightly know. 😦 I’m out of town and don’t have my trusty bathroom scale with me. I know, I know…lame-o excuse. But I want to make sure that I weigh in every week on the same scale, at the same time, wearing the same thing–namely nothing.  But fret not, this will only make next week’s results all the more exciting. So for now…just hang tight. It’s coming; you have my word. And I’m hoping it’s going to be the best number thus far, which wouldn’t be difficult considering the contenders are a one and a zero. If not,  I’m kind of up the creek since I only have two weeks to reach my 8lb goal. Yikes! Cross your fingers, folks. I need a big number next week. Please, pretty please with Splenda on top.

P.S. For more info on the candida cleanse, please feel free to contact Ms. Mary Anton:

818. 752.2185

P.P.S. There are numerous links to wade through on the candida cleanse, so I leave you to your own research on that. I’m really going on word of mouth and the results I’ve seen first hand. It’s not just for weight loss, but supposedly overall improved health. I’m feeling pretty good so far. As always, I will keep you posted. Love you guys, and thanks for reading!

About TheFormerFatGirl

I started gaining weight around age 6 and was on my first diet by age 7. Since then, my life has been a flurry of scales, gyms, low-carb/high fat diets, tape measures, spicy lemonade, self-esteem issues, loving my body, loathing my body, and the constant pursuit of my ideal figure. Since roller coasters are always more fun with friends, I decided to share my struggles and triumphs with any and everyone. Join me!

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