After posting my initial blog, (and then finally having the guts to share the link so people would know about it,) I received an incredible outpouring of support and encouragement from friends all over the country. For that, I am truly grateful. One of the most memorable and comical reactions I got, though, was from my manager, whom I love both professionally and personally. After only seeing the title of my blog, he called me immediately. The first thing he said was, “this explains so much about you as person and an actress.” I had to laugh because without further explanation I knew exactly where he was coming from. But since most of you don’t know him, (or perhaps me for that matter,) let me explain.
A dear friend of mine, who also spent his childhood on the heavier side of the great physical divide once said to me, “No matter how much weight I lose or how good I think I look, I will never be a conceited jerk because the fat kid is still a part of me.” True indeed. There is a prevalent mind set in American society that looking a certain way, (i.e. slim and pretty/handsome), means you have the right to be narcissistic and arrogant. More than that, a large majority–whether they like you for it or not–expect to encounter this type of attitude when they interact with people who could be perceived as “the beautiful ones”. (Tangent: The little fat girl in my head is screaming for me to create an aside here so that people know that I do consider myself a ‘beautiful one’. The fact that you’re reading this means she won. She’s also screaming that I should stop and get some hot wings and ice cream on the way home. Sorry, pudgy. That ain’t happening.) What my manager told me, after having his own revelation about who I am, was in direct alignment with what my FFBH–former fat boy homie–said about himself. My manager’s exact words were, “You could be a real bitch if you wanted to”. Thing is, I don’t want to.
I don’t have that grand sense of entitlement that I see touted by reality TV stars like Snookie and the The Real Housewives of ‘Who the Hell Cares’–a sense that many of us watching would call delusional. What I do have, though, is the sometimes nagging perception that I can always be better than I am today–in the way I look, in my acting, my writing, and the way I relate to people and the world. In my mind, that is in direct correlation to growing up overweight and always having a goal to strive toward. Now don’t get the wrong idea here. I’m not trying to wrap dog poo in a Tiffany box and sell it. There was nothing fun about being a fat kid. Being teased, humiliated and ostracized was heart breaking. But, without doubt, it helped shape me into who I am today, and I’m not mad at that.
Also, let me be clear in saying that this does NOT translate into low-self esteem or a lack of confidence. There are things about myself that I want to change or improve, but I’m no self-deprecating whiner. My business cards say ‘Bad-Ass Brown Girl’ on them, and I stand by that. (They really do!) But I am not now, nor will I ever be, (even as a size 4), that girl. You know the one. She flips her hair every 22 seconds; she talks a little too loudly most of the time and about herself ALL OF THE TIME; she goes to the bar with no money expecting someone to sponsor her good time; she makes excuses for why she’s not the center of attention. “People don’t come up to me because they’re intimidated.” No, honey. It’s because the stench of conceit and narcissism is potent, vile, and smells like the inside of a goat’s ass. We don’t want that smell in our clothes, so we keep our distance.
Bottom line, did being a fat kid mold parts of my personality? Yes, in good and bad ways. But what matters most is who I am today and the choices that I’m making in my life. So let’s get to it, shall we? This week’s results:
I worked out four days last week, ate well M-F, slipped up on Saturday with some M&M’s and really went wild on Sunday by having bread and eating at almost midnight after getting home from a seminar. So, as of last Friday, I had lost three pounds. By Tuesday, I had gained 2 back. BOO! That said, I’m down 1 pound with 7 to go by July 23rd. Hmph! I know any loss is something to happy about, but I was much more pleased with the three than I am with the one. So I’m back on track now. Boiling greens, sweet potatoes and edamame as I type.
And please, feel free to share your own nutrition and fitness tips with me and the rest of the world. I’d love to know what works for you. Caveat: I don’t do fasts or mono-diets, (i.e. only eating squash for a month. What the hell is that?) I need something practical and sustainable. My hairdresser shared with me today that she’s been taking HGC and lost 15lbs in a couple weeks. Below are a few links about the hormone diet. Sound off at will. Until next week…